| The worst thing about Christmas has to be | | | | arrange page making it easy to see how they |
| listening to Top Of The Pops and the | | | | fit together. |
| Christmas Number 1 - Girls Aloud, Robbie | | | | |
| Williams, Westlife and Mr Blobby for goodness | | | | And finally, you need a CD recorder so you |
| sake! Surely anyone can produce a better | | | | can burn your finished hit to CD and send it |
| Christmas Hit than those. After all, a | | | | to lucky record companies. If you've a modern |
| computer does all the work, doesn't it - all | | | | PC you'll have one already. But do use a |
| you do is press a few buttons and jiggle a | | | | labeller and create a CD inlay, too, to give |
| few drum and bass lines around. | | | | the CD a pro finish. In the music biz, looks, |
| | | | fashion and style are far more important than |
| So what do you need? You need a PC with a | | | | content so spend at least as much time on the |
| reasonable amount of processing power under | | | | outside as on the music. Put your contact |
| the hood - a Pentium III at least, preferably | | | | details on the CD label as well as the inlay. |
| a P4 - in order to run the music software. | | | | |
| | | | Hook and line |
| Audio files are quite large - forget MP3s, | | | | |
| we're talking the real thing here - and for | | | | Now let's make a song. You need a hook. This |
| each track of audio you record you'll need | | | | is the bit everyone sings so it has to be |
| around 10.6Mb of hard disk space per minute. | | | | catchy. It's usually the chorus but you can |
| Every track won't be filled with audio so you | | | | have a catchy bass line, drum line or even a |
| won't need quite that much in a multi-track | | | | vocal hook such as shout or a catch phrase |
| recording but for a four-minute 16-track song | | | | like "Eh Oh". Well it worked for the |
| it would be wise to allocate around 500Mb of | | | | Teletubbies - are you old enough to remember |
| hard disk space. | | | | them with embarrassment? |
| | | | |
| Playing cards | | | | Let's say you've come up with a stonking |
| | | | chorus. Build a verse around it. It doesn't |
| You need a soundcard. All modern PCs have one | | | | have to be memorable; few verses are. You can |
| of these but if you don't want your song to | | | | meander around in a relatively tuneless way |
| sound like it was recorded in a back bedroom | | | | until it's time to unleash the chorus on the |
| - even it if was - get a decent card. | | | | world. |
| | | | |
| At Christmas-stocking prices are a range of | | | | When building a song, start with the rhythm |
| SoundBlaster cards such as the Audigy 2 ZS | | | | section. Grab some groovy drum loops, string |
| (for under £70/$100) with a good set of | | | | them together then add the bass line. You can |
| built-in sounds. But more than that, they | | | | play this on your new MIDI keyboard or drop |
| support SoundFonts. These are samples the | | | | in bass samples - jolly useful things, |
| card uses to produce realistic instrument | | | | samples. |
| sounds and better beefy bass lines than yer | | | | |
| average sound card. | | | | Next you'll want to add some keyboard parts |
| | | | which can be clever rhythmic figures or you |
| If you've a rich Mummy and Daddy they'll be | | | | can play pads by holding down some chords |
| pleased to buy you a more expensive card such | | | | using a broad-texture sound such as strings. |
| as E-Mu's Emulator X (around £220/$380), a | | | | |
| desktop sampling system that also supports | | | | Very vocal |
| SoundFonts. If you own a nightclub you'll be | | | | |
| able to afford one of CreamWare's high-end | | | | Then add the vocals. If you can't sing - but |
| systems with on-board synthesisers that can | | | | remember that never stopped anyone making a |
| do everything but sober up the drummer - not | | | | record - you might like to nip down the pub |
| that you need a drummer 'cause the cards have | | | | and ask the winner of this week's karaoke |
| all the drum sounds you need. | | | | contest to do the chanting for you. Play your |
| | | | cards right and they may even pay you for the |
| Key move | | | | privilege. |
| | | | |
| You'll also need a MIDI keyboard to record | | | | If you've too much musical nous to be in the |
| your masterpiece. There's a vast choice here | | | | same room as a karaoke singer, you can always |
| from E-Mu's XBoard 25, XBoard 49, and | | | | fall back on your old friend, the sample. |
| Swissonic's CK490 (all running around £100 | | | | |
| $150 give or take) to the Fatar range running | | | | The final step is the mixing. This is where |
| from the TMK61 (£130/$225) up to the VMK | | | | you balance all the parts you recorded, add a |
| 188 Plus (£599/$1000) with several models | | | | dash of reverb and generally tart the thing |
| inbeween. | | | | up. |
| | | | |
| These keyboards don't have any on-board | | | | Then save the entire song as an audio file |
| sounds like synthesisers but they're much | | | | ready for burning to CD. This means recording |
| cheaper than synths and there are sounds in | | | | the MIDI parts as audio tracks. You need to |
| the soundcard anyway. If you've seen an Elton | | | | mix all the tracks into one stereo track so |
| John concert and can't face the thought of | | | | the final file will be 10.6Mb x the length in |
| touching a keyboard, don't worry - you can | | | | minutes. |
| use pre-recorded loops and samples and | | | | |
| cleverly arrange them in stunning | | | | Looks good |
| combinations without a keyboard. | | | | |
| | | | Now you have to interest the A&R men in your |
| Listen 'ere | | | | CD. It's all about image so if you're dull |
| | | | and ugly - name three ugly pop stars, apart |
| A decent pair of speakers is essential. The | | | | from Madonna and Mick Hucknall - you may have |
| ten quid jobbies that were bundled with your | | | | to get one of your beautiful friends to pose |
| PC may be fine for playing MP3s but they | | | | for the publicity photos. |
| simply won't do for mixing music. | | | | |
| | | | Write a one-page biog - they don't want to |
| The Big Boys use dedicated monitor speakers | | | | know that you have a GCSE in music, they want |
| which can cost as much as a holiday in | | | | to know what gigs you've done and any Big |
| Barbados but if you leave the other half at | | | | Name bands you've supported. Drop a few names |
| home you could easily afford Behringer's | | | | such as Bruce, Robbie and Tina. You don't |
| MS16s (£46/$79), or Edirol's MA7A (£80 | | | | have to mention surnames... |
| $135) or MA150 (£120/$200). | | | | |
| | | | If you do catch the ear of an A&R person, be |
| If your PC is near your hi fi you can run the | | | | prepared to throw your ego out the window - |
| audio through that but switch off any bass | | | | you can't afford one at the moment and when |
| boost or EQ settings. The idea is to get a | | | | you're rich and famous you can buy a much |
| flat, uncoloured response so if it sounds | | | | better one anyway. |
| good on those speakers it should sounds good | | | | |
| on any speakers. So the theory goes. | | | | You'll see the months of blood, sweat and |
| | | | Pils which you poured into your song pouring |
| Good arrangement | | | | straight down the drain as the record company |
| | | | drafts in a 14-year-old DJ to remix your song |
| The Big Boys can fiddle with high-end music | | | | using the latest Dance breakbeats and crap - |
| sequencers but the new and incredibly | | | | sorry, rap - vocals. |
| modestly-priced Cubase SE 3 (less than a ton | | | | |
| $170) lets you record and assemble audio and | | | | But don't worry - you can laugh all the way |
| MIDI parts with almost as much aplomb. It | | | | to the bank when it reaches Number One! |
| shows both types of recording on the same | | | | |