How to Produce a Christmas Number One Hit

The worst thing about Christmas has to be listening tomuch aplomb. It shows both types of recording on the
Top Of The Pops and the Christmas Number 1 - Girlssame arrange page making it easy to see how they
Aloud, Robbie Williams, Westlife and Mr Blobby forfit together.
goodness sake! Surely anyone can produce a betterAnd finally, you need a CD recorder so you can burn
Christmas Hit than those. After all, a computer does allyour finished hit to CD and send it to lucky record
the work, doesn't it - all you do is press a few buttonscompanies. If you've a modern PC you'll have one
and jiggle a few drum and bass lines around.already. But do use a labeller and create a CD inlay,
So what do you need? You need a PC with atoo, to give the CD a pro finish. In the music biz, looks,
reasonable amount of processing power under thefashion and style are far more important than content
hood - a Pentium III at least, preferably a P4 - in orderso spend at least as much time on the outside as on
to run the music software.the music. Put your contact details on the CD label as
Audio files are quite large - forget MP3s, we're talkingwell as the inlay.
the real thing here - and for each track of audio youHook and line
record you'll need around 10.6Mb of hard disk spaceNow let's make a song. You need a hook. This is the
per minute. Every track won't be filled with audio sobit everyone sings so it has to be catchy. It's usually
you won't need quite that much in a multi-trackthe chorus but you can have a catchy bass line, drum
recording but for a four-minute 16-track song it wouldline or even a vocal hook such as shout or a catch
be wise to allocate around 500Mb of hard disk space.phrase like "Eh Oh". Well it worked for the Teletubbies
Playing cards- are you old enough to remember them with
You need a soundcard. All modern PCs have one ofembarrassment?
these but if you don't want your song to sound like itLet's say you've come up with a stonking chorus. Build
was recorded in a back bedroom - even it if was -a verse around it. It doesn't have to be memorable;
get a decent card.few verses are. You can meander around in a
At Christmas-stocking prices are a range ofrelatively tuneless way until it's time to unleash the
SoundBlaster cards such as the Audigy 2 ZS (forchorus on the world.
under £70/$100) with a good set of built-in sounds.When building a song, start with the rhythm section.
But more than that, they support SoundFonts. TheseGrab some groovy drum loops, string them together
are samples the card uses to produce realisticthen add the bass line. You can play this on your new
instrument sounds and better beefy bass lines thanMIDI keyboard or drop in bass samples - jolly useful
yer average sound card.things, samples.
If you've a rich Mummy and Daddy they'll be pleasedNext you'll want to add some keyboard parts which
to buy you a more expensive card such as E-Mu'scan be clever rhythmic figures or you can play pads
Emulator X (around £220/$380), a desktopby holding down some chords using a broad-texture
sampling system that also supports SoundFonts. If yousound such as strings.
own a nightclub you'll be able to afford one ofVery vocal
CreamWare's high-end systems with on-boardThen add the vocals. If you can't sing - but remember
synthesisers that can do everything but sober up thethat never stopped anyone making a record - you
drummer - not that you need a drummer 'cause themight like to nip down the pub and ask the winner of
cards have all the drum sounds you need.this week's karaoke contest to do the chanting for
Key moveyou. Play your cards right and they may even pay you
You'll also need a MIDI keyboard to record yourfor the privilege.
masterpiece. There's a vast choice here from E-Mu'sIf you've too much musical nous to be in the same
XBoard 25, XBoard 49, and Swissonic's CK490 (allroom as a karaoke singer, you can always fall back
running around £100/$150 give or take) to theon your old friend, the sample.
Fatar range running from the TMK61 (£130/$225)The final step is the mixing. This is where you balance
up to the VMK 188 Plus (£599/$1000) withall the parts you recorded, add a dash of reverb and
several models inbeween.generally tart the thing up.
These keyboards don't have any on-board sounds likeThen save the entire song as an audio file ready for
synthesisers but they're much cheaper than synthsburning to CD. This means recording the MIDI parts as
and there are sounds in the soundcard anyway. Ifaudio tracks. You need to mix all the tracks into one
you've seen an Elton John concert and can't face thestereo track so the final file will be 10.6Mb x the length
thought of touching a keyboard, don't worry - you canin minutes.
use pre-recorded loops and samples and cleverlyLooks good
arrange them in stunning combinations without aNow you have to interest the A&R men in your CD.
keyboard.It's all about image so if you're dull and ugly - name
Listen 'erethree ugly pop stars, apart from Madonna and Mick
A decent pair of speakers is essential. The ten quidHucknall - you may have to get one of your beautiful
jobbies that were bundled with your PC may be finefriends to pose for the publicity photos.
for playing MP3s but they simply won't do for mixingWrite a one-page biog - they don't want to know that
music.you have a GCSE in music, they want to know what
The Big Boys use dedicated monitor speakers whichgigs you've done and any Big Name bands you've
can cost as much as a holiday in Barbados but if yousupported. Drop a few names such as Bruce, Robbie
leave the other half at home you could easily affordand Tina. You don't have to mention surnames...
Behringer's MS16s (£46/$79), or Edirol's MA7AIf you do catch the ear of an A&R person, be
(£80/$135) or MA150 (£120/$200).prepared to throw your ego out the window - you
If your PC is near your hi fi you can run the audiocan't afford one at the moment and when you're rich
through that but switch off any bass boost or EQand famous you can buy a much better one anyway.
settings. The idea is to get a flat, uncoloured responseYou'll see the months of blood, sweat and Pils which
so if it sounds good on those speakers it shouldyou poured into your song pouring straight down the
sounds good on any speakers. So the theory goes.drain as the record company drafts in a 14-year-old DJ
Good arrangementto remix your song using the latest Dance breakbeats
The Big Boys can fiddle with high-end musicand crap - sorry, rap - vocals.
sequencers but the new and incredibly modestly-pricedBut don't worry - you can laugh all the way to the
Cubase SE 3 (less than a ton/$170) lets you recordbank when it reaches Number One!
and assemble audio and MIDI parts with almost as