Are you trying to make the wrong shoes fit?

Last week was an interesting one for me. I returned toHe started driving by her house those evenings he
L.A. after spending a week in Chicago, mulling over awasn't with her, snooping through her pockets when
couple of conversations I'd had with a client while I washe was. Jim got more desperate, she got more
there.dismissive and disgusted with him, and the whole thing
I asked him if I could share his story with you, not usingspiraled into a car wreck of a situation.
his real name and details of course, as I felt thereShe left him of course. And Jim is still paying a heavy
were some lessons here that would benefit myprice. Not only did he spend tens of thousands of
readers. He gave me his permission to do just that.dollars trying to buy her affection, but he let his
So, we'll call him Jim for the sake of this story.business go downhill too, and is now desperately trying
Now Jim is a very fortunate man. He's fifty, fit andto get back to where he was before he met her. It's
financially sound. He divorced eight years ago, hasgoing to take a long time. Lots of customers are not
grown-up kids and a couple of young nephews hegenerous with second chances as Jim is discovering.
loves as if they were his own. He owns his ownHe let himself go as well, physically, emotionally and
business which he's built from the ground up, and whichmentally. His confidence is battered too.
makes him a VERY good living. He plays golf, isJim found out things about himself that he really didn't
passionate about cars, and takes vacations in Hawaiilike: his poor judgement, his superficiality, his
and the Caribbean. In short Jim lives the kind of lifealmost-adolescent grabbing for a girl half his age, his
many of us would love to be living.innate jealousy, his willingness to sacrifice his
But of course something was missing. Love.self-respect. He learnt how fragile the whole facade of
Jim needed to fill the space in his heart, so out andhis life had been, and how easily it could collapse.
about he went to find a soul mate. He met womenThese are valuable lessons indeed, but I know Jim
online and offline; through dating agencies and friends;would rather never have had to learn them. Yup, Jim
through well meaning matchmakers and atsquandered money, friendships, peace of mind--even
professional gatherings; at the theater and even on asuccess--chasing vaporware.
plane once. Jim dated some lovely women, but theJim knows now that he was wrong-headed. He was
problem was that none of them was PERFECT.thinking with his ego, and his libido, not his heart. That he
Jim by now was so set in his ways, that he didn'tmistook yearning, for loving. He tried to make
know how to make room in his life for another 'realsomething fit that was never going to, like shoes that
person'--he had an image in his head, his dreamare way too tight but you keep wearing regardless of
woman, and none of the real, emotional, flawedblisters, pain and ugly rubbing, because you think if you
HUMAN people he met, seemed to measure up to hispersevere you'll finally mould those darn shoes to fit
10 out of 10 vision of perfection.you. Yup, Jim was trying to make the wrong shoes fit.
And then he met her. Picture perfect, young, fresh,I wanted to share Jim's story, as it's one that as a Life
flawless. He fell hard, just like those avalanches I wasCoach, I see way too often in different versions and
talking about last week--completely, chaotically, loudlyflavors. As more and more folks get divorced a great
and MESSILY. Anyone caught in his path got sweptmany find themselves single and hopeful that they will
away. She was the ONE. Jim moved heaven andget a chance to find love a second, or even third, time
earth to woo this delectable young lady, with the facearound. Some carry a ton of old emotional baggage,
as smooth and beautiful as a piece of fine porcelain.others arrive at this place, mature and confident (just
They started dating.like Jim), but nearly all of them arrive with unreasonable
At first all went well. Jim swept her off her feet withexpectations. Too many end up trying to force-fit their
lavish dinners, trips to the Spa, weekends away inideals into a too-tight shoe.
Vegas, and even a surprise trip to Paris. He bought herI am a great believer in soul mates. I know that when
gifts, jewelry and flowers every week.you are with the right person, it may not be all
At first she seemed to enjoy Jim's company as muchsweetness and light, you might verbally tussle with
as he did hers. They would talk intensely, laugh at eacheach other now and again, you may disagree on lots
others jokes, have fun and of course make crazyof things, you may enjoy different past-times, and
'passion.' But before too long, within a matter of only ahave different ambitions. You may like different foods,
few weeks, Jim noticed some troubling signs. She'shave different friends, spend a lot of time apart,
was irritable with him, seemed distracted--bored even.disagree on politics, and vacations. But I also know that
She's make excuses not to see him on certain nights,NONE of that matters as long as you share a deep
and when she did, wasn't as affectionate as before.mutual trust, respect, affection and connection; an
And her demands got greater too. She waseasiness and an openness so that whenever you are
unimpressed with the one carat earrings, andtogether it feels just like coming home after a long,
under-whelmed with anything that wasn't from Prada,hard trip; a sense of 'safeness' born of knowing that
Channel or some equally prestigious brand name...your back is covered by your best friend; a shared,
Jim started trying harder. More expensive gifts, morequiet delight in each other that's hard to explain, but that
exotic trips away, a credit card with a $25,000 limit,seeps into your bloodstream, warms your heart and
and even a sports car. He took more time away fromthat you slip on like a favorite pair of snug, soft,
his business, a day here and there, and then a week,comfortable slippers.
or even two. He'd go in late in the mornings, but wasIf you're struggling to decide if you're in the right
struggling to put his heart back in it at all...all he couldrelationship, just ask yourself one simple question: "Am I
think about was her, and the creeping dread that heTrying To Make The Wrong Shoes Fit?
was about to lose his dream.