| Last week was an interesting one for me. I returned to | | | | He started driving by her house those evenings he |
| L.A. after spending a week in Chicago, mulling over a | | | | wasn't with her, snooping through her pockets when |
| couple of conversations I'd had with a client while I was | | | | he was. Jim got more desperate, she got more |
| there. | | | | dismissive and disgusted with him, and the whole thing |
| I asked him if I could share his story with you, not using | | | | spiraled into a car wreck of a situation. |
| his real name and details of course, as I felt there | | | | She left him of course. And Jim is still paying a heavy |
| were some lessons here that would benefit my | | | | price. Not only did he spend tens of thousands of |
| readers. He gave me his permission to do just that. | | | | dollars trying to buy her affection, but he let his |
| So, we'll call him Jim for the sake of this story. | | | | business go downhill too, and is now desperately trying |
| Now Jim is a very fortunate man. He's fifty, fit and | | | | to get back to where he was before he met her. It's |
| financially sound. He divorced eight years ago, has | | | | going to take a long time. Lots of customers are not |
| grown-up kids and a couple of young nephews he | | | | generous with second chances as Jim is discovering. |
| loves as if they were his own. He owns his own | | | | He let himself go as well, physically, emotionally and |
| business which he's built from the ground up, and which | | | | mentally. His confidence is battered too. |
| makes him a VERY good living. He plays golf, is | | | | Jim found out things about himself that he really didn't |
| passionate about cars, and takes vacations in Hawaii | | | | like: his poor judgement, his superficiality, his |
| and the Caribbean. In short Jim lives the kind of life | | | | almost-adolescent grabbing for a girl half his age, his |
| many of us would love to be living. | | | | innate jealousy, his willingness to sacrifice his |
| But of course something was missing. Love. | | | | self-respect. He learnt how fragile the whole facade of |
| Jim needed to fill the space in his heart, so out and | | | | his life had been, and how easily it could collapse. |
| about he went to find a soul mate. He met women | | | | These are valuable lessons indeed, but I know Jim |
| online and offline; through dating agencies and friends; | | | | would rather never have had to learn them. Yup, Jim |
| through well meaning matchmakers and at | | | | squandered money, friendships, peace of mind--even |
| professional gatherings; at the theater and even on a | | | | success--chasing vaporware. |
| plane once. Jim dated some lovely women, but the | | | | Jim knows now that he was wrong-headed. He was |
| problem was that none of them was PERFECT. | | | | thinking with his ego, and his libido, not his heart. That he |
| Jim by now was so set in his ways, that he didn't | | | | mistook yearning, for loving. He tried to make |
| know how to make room in his life for another 'real | | | | something fit that was never going to, like shoes that |
| person'--he had an image in his head, his dream | | | | are way too tight but you keep wearing regardless of |
| woman, and none of the real, emotional, flawed | | | | blisters, pain and ugly rubbing, because you think if you |
| HUMAN people he met, seemed to measure up to his | | | | persevere you'll finally mould those darn shoes to fit |
| 10 out of 10 vision of perfection. | | | | you. Yup, Jim was trying to make the wrong shoes fit. |
| And then he met her. Picture perfect, young, fresh, | | | | I wanted to share Jim's story, as it's one that as a Life |
| flawless. He fell hard, just like those avalanches I was | | | | Coach, I see way too often in different versions and |
| talking about last week--completely, chaotically, loudly | | | | flavors. As more and more folks get divorced a great |
| and MESSILY. Anyone caught in his path got swept | | | | many find themselves single and hopeful that they will |
| away. She was the ONE. Jim moved heaven and | | | | get a chance to find love a second, or even third, time |
| earth to woo this delectable young lady, with the face | | | | around. Some carry a ton of old emotional baggage, |
| as smooth and beautiful as a piece of fine porcelain. | | | | others arrive at this place, mature and confident (just |
| They started dating. | | | | like Jim), but nearly all of them arrive with unreasonable |
| At first all went well. Jim swept her off her feet with | | | | expectations. Too many end up trying to force-fit their |
| lavish dinners, trips to the Spa, weekends away in | | | | ideals into a too-tight shoe. |
| Vegas, and even a surprise trip to Paris. He bought her | | | | I am a great believer in soul mates. I know that when |
| gifts, jewelry and flowers every week. | | | | you are with the right person, it may not be all |
| At first she seemed to enjoy Jim's company as much | | | | sweetness and light, you might verbally tussle with |
| as he did hers. They would talk intensely, laugh at each | | | | each other now and again, you may disagree on lots |
| others jokes, have fun and of course make crazy | | | | of things, you may enjoy different past-times, and |
| 'passion.' But before too long, within a matter of only a | | | | have different ambitions. You may like different foods, |
| few weeks, Jim noticed some troubling signs. She's | | | | have different friends, spend a lot of time apart, |
| was irritable with him, seemed distracted--bored even. | | | | disagree on politics, and vacations. But I also know that |
| She's make excuses not to see him on certain nights, | | | | NONE of that matters as long as you share a deep |
| and when she did, wasn't as affectionate as before. | | | | mutual trust, respect, affection and connection; an |
| And her demands got greater too. She was | | | | easiness and an openness so that whenever you are |
| unimpressed with the one carat earrings, and | | | | together it feels just like coming home after a long, |
| under-whelmed with anything that wasn't from Prada, | | | | hard trip; a sense of 'safeness' born of knowing that |
| Channel or some equally prestigious brand name... | | | | your back is covered by your best friend; a shared, |
| Jim started trying harder. More expensive gifts, more | | | | quiet delight in each other that's hard to explain, but that |
| exotic trips away, a credit card with a $25,000 limit, | | | | seeps into your bloodstream, warms your heart and |
| and even a sports car. He took more time away from | | | | that you slip on like a favorite pair of snug, soft, |
| his business, a day here and there, and then a week, | | | | comfortable slippers. |
| or even two. He'd go in late in the mornings, but was | | | | If you're struggling to decide if you're in the right |
| struggling to put his heart back in it at all...all he could | | | | relationship, just ask yourself one simple question: "Am I |
| think about was her, and the creeping dread that he | | | | Trying To Make The Wrong Shoes Fit? |
| was about to lose his dream. | | | | |