| Last week was an interesting one for me. I | | | | the creeping dread that he was about to lose |
| returned to L.A. after spending a week in | | | | his dream. |
| Chicago, mulling over a couple of | | | | |
| conversations I'd had with a client while I | | | | He started driving by her house those |
| was there. | | | | evenings he wasn't with her, snooping through |
| | | | her pockets when he was. Jim got more |
| I asked him if I could share his story with | | | | desperate, she got more dismissive and |
| you, not using his real name and details of | | | | disgusted with him, and the whole thing |
| course, as I felt there were some lessons | | | | spiraled into a car wreck of a situation. |
| here that would benefit my readers. He gave | | | | |
| me his permission to do just that. | | | | She left him of course. And Jim is still |
| | | | paying a heavy price. Not only did he spend |
| So, we'll call him Jim for the sake of this | | | | tens of thousands of dollars trying to buy |
| story. | | | | her affection, but he let his business go |
| | | | downhill too, and is now desperately trying |
| Now Jim is a very fortunate man. He's fifty, | | | | to get back to where he was before he met |
| fit and financially sound. He divorced eight | | | | her. It's going to take a long time. Lots of |
| years ago, has grown-up kids and a couple of | | | | customers are not generous with second |
| young nephews he loves as if they were his | | | | chances as Jim is discovering. He let himself |
| own. He owns his own business which he's | | | | go as well, physically, emotionally and |
| built from the ground up, and which makes him | | | | mentally. His confidence is battered too. |
| a VERY good living. He plays golf, is | | | | |
| passionate about cars, and takes vacations in | | | | Jim found out things about himself that he |
| Hawaii and the Caribbean. In short Jim lives | | | | really didn't like: his poor judgement, his |
| the kind of life many of us would love to be | | | | superficiality, his almost-adolescent |
| living. | | | | grabbing for a girl half his age, his innate |
| | | | jealousy, his willingness to sacrifice his |
| But of course something was missing. Love. | | | | self-respect. He learnt how fragile the whole |
| | | | facade of his life had been, and how easily |
| Jim needed to fill the space in his heart, so | | | | it could collapse. These are valuable lessons |
| out and about he went to find a soul mate. He | | | | indeed, but I know Jim would rather never |
| met women online and offline; through dating | | | | have had to learn them. Yup, Jim squandered |
| agencies and friends; through well meaning | | | | money, friendships, peace of mind--even |
| matchmakers and at professional gatherings; | | | | success--chasing vaporware. |
| at the theater and even on a plane once. Jim | | | | |
| dated some lovely women, but the problem was | | | | Jim knows now that he was wrong-headed. He |
| that none of them was PERFECT. | | | | was thinking with his ego, and his libido, |
| | | | not his heart. That he mistook yearning, for |
| Jim by now was so set in his ways, that he | | | | loving. He tried to make something fit that |
| didn't know how to make room in his life for | | | | was never going to, like shoes that are way |
| another 'real person'--he had an image in his | | | | too tight but you keep wearing regardless of |
| head, his dream woman, and none of the real, | | | | blisters, pain and ugly rubbing, because you |
| emotional, flawed HUMAN people he met, seemed | | | | think if you persevere you'll finally mould |
| to measure up to his 10 out of 10 vision of | | | | those darn shoes to fit you. Yup, Jim was |
| perfection. | | | | trying to make the wrong shoes fit. |
| | | | |
| And then he met her. Picture perfect, young, | | | | I wanted to share Jim's story, as it's one |
| fresh, flawless. He fell hard, just like | | | | that as a Life Coach, I see way too often in |
| those avalanches I was talking about last | | | | different versions and flavors. As more and |
| week--completely, chaotically, loudly and | | | | more folks get divorced a great many find |
| MESSILY. Anyone caught in his path got swept | | | | themselves single and hopeful that they will |
| away. She was the ONE. Jim moved heaven and | | | | get a chance to find love a second, or even |
| earth to woo this delectable young lady, with | | | | third, time around. Some carry a ton of old |
| the face as smooth and beautiful as a piece | | | | emotional baggage, others arrive at this |
| of fine porcelain. They started dating. | | | | place, mature and confident (just like Jim), |
| | | | but nearly all of them arrive with |
| At first all went well. Jim swept her off her | | | | unreasonable expectations. Too many end up |
| feet with lavish dinners, trips to the Spa, | | | | trying to force-fit their ideals into a |
| weekends away in Vegas, and even a surprise | | | | too-tight shoe. |
| trip to Paris. He bought her gifts, jewelry | | | | |
| and flowers every week. | | | | I am a great believer in soul mates. I know |
| | | | that when you are with the right person, it |
| At first she seemed to enjoy Jim's company as | | | | may not be all sweetness and light, you might |
| much as he did hers. They would talk | | | | verbally tussle with each other now and |
| intensely, laugh at each others jokes, have | | | | again, you may disagree on lots of things, |
| fun and of course make crazy 'passion.' But | | | | you may enjoy different past-times, and have |
| before too long, within a matter of only a | | | | different ambitions. You may like different |
| few weeks, Jim noticed some troubling signs. | | | | foods, have different friends, spend a lot of |
| She's was irritable with him, seemed | | | | time apart, disagree on politics, and |
| distracted--bored even. She's make excuses | | | | vacations. But I also know that NONE of that |
| not to see him on certain nights, and when | | | | matters as long as you share a deep mutual |
| she did, wasn't as affectionate as before. | | | | trust, respect, affection and connection; an |
| | | | easiness and an openness so that whenever you |
| And her demands got greater too. She was | | | | are together it feels just like coming home |
| unimpressed with the one carat earrings, and | | | | after a long, hard trip; a sense of |
| under-whelmed with anything that wasn't from | | | | 'safeness' born of knowing that your back is |
| Prada, Channel or some equally prestigious | | | | covered by your best friend; a shared, quiet |
| brand name... | | | | delight in each other that's hard to explain, |
| | | | but that seeps into your bloodstream, warms |
| Jim started trying harder. More expensive | | | | your heart and that you slip on like a |
| gifts, more exotic trips away, a credit card | | | | favorite pair of snug, soft, comfortable |
| with a $25,000 limit, and even a sports car. | | | | slippers. |
| He took more time away from his business, a | | | | |
| day here and there, and then a week, or even | | | | If you're struggling to decide if you're in |
| two. He'd go in late in the mornings, but was | | | | the right relationship, just ask yourself one |
| struggling to put his heart back in it at | | | | simple question: "Am I Trying To Make The |
| all...all he could think about was her, and | | | | Wrong Shoes Fit? |